"Me Tarzan, You Jane"

Yup that is a direct quote from last night. I'm not giving it in full context, but its not that important. It's still a direct quote. (Same lip licking guy from previous post). Now I know I have mentioned several times throughout the lifetime of No Sex In The Metro that I like an assertive guy. I am all about traditional roles. I'm old fashioned kind of gal (with new school taste). But never did I think someone would actually say "Me Tarzan, You Jane."

Hunh! The nerve! The audacity! The indignation! The...I did give him my number.
We'll see.

Fellas - Licking Your Lips Is Not Sexy. It Means Your Broke!

Yup I said it. LL Cool J has gotten men thinking the licking of the lips is sexual and sexy and alludes to all types of wanton behavior. Not for this woman. It means your ass is too broke to buy Chapstick.

Yesterday I was out having a drink and this man walks up to me. Well actually invaded my personal space is more like it, but I digress. We talked until I left the bar. During the whole conversation he kept licking his lips. I can tell he thought it was sexy and spoke volumes. It did. "My lips are chap and I cant afford chapstick." It was sooo annoying. All I could think about was his slobby ass lips that he thought were sexy. I mean every 5 freaking minutes. I blame LL Cool J for this.

I think I'm getting old, because I no longer find it attractive on LL. Nope I find myself looking at him thinking "Man get some Blistex." Its sexy if you do it once, MAYBE twice. After that its just a cry for Vaseline.

No Dates in the Metro

Its been a few months since I've had a date. If I dont get one soon I might have to rename this blog into "No Dates, Sex, Men...in the Metro"

Dont worry, I'll restart my life of prostitution to get some good tidbits for the blog. Anything for my adoring fans.

It's Not Her, It's Him - Yes I'm talking about Fantasia

When will women learn - the other woman is just pussy. You know what sparked this whole commentary. Fantasia. She is being sued for being the other woman. And you know there was a case in Florida where the married woman won when she sued the other woman. I don't know why women always blame the other woman. Now let me just say I have never been the other woman. I love and respect myself too much. Plus who wants a trifling ass cheater.
But the other woman -she's just pussy. It maybe named, Sue, Mary, Jane, Fantasia, but the woman wasn't the problem. It was your cheating ass trifling man. Cheating is a decision. First the man decides to cheat. Now it maybe a split second decision, but it is a decision none the less. I have been out on some windy days, but never have I seen a gust of wind so strong that if makes a mans pants fall off and fall in some punany. NO he DECIDED to stick his dick there. And HE is the one who committed and promised to be faithful to you. The woman well she was a vessel. THAT woman didn't take your man. Your man decided to leave and she was just some pussy.


And to "The Other Woman" - Karma is a bitch. Whereas, I don't believe in going after the other woman hey, Karma is Karma. Maybe it will make you think twice before engaging in amorale behavior. And if/when the wife wins. That doesn't make you a ho, its makes you a John(ette) cause you basically just paid for the dick.

Its been a long time - Chicago Dating

Well alot has happened since my last post. I have been beyond negligent. I dont know what caused me to start a dating blog. Though in my mind I'm a dating machine, the dates are far and few between and yet I'm still trying to find out what a "normal" dating experience is.

I've moved back to my hometown - Chicago. The dating scene is very different and I find my self emboldened.
Example.
The music is blaring, I'm leaning on the counter of the bar. My hips sway to the music. A man (a tall man - and you know how I feel about them) approaches me, puts his hand around my waist (not tightly and he wasn't by my butt), and asks for my number. I turn my head and look at him and say "Buy me a drink"
Can you believe this broke fool said he couldn't. I shrugged my shoulders and said "You gotta pay to play" and walked away.

Then there was the really boring guy. Great on paper, just didn't click at all. And I really tried for a click but just cant force it. He was socially awkward and well not a man's man. And you know I like a manly man.

Oh and I cant forget every online daters worse fear. The gentle southern, mixed race 36 year old ended up be a very unattractive 50 year old man who is no more mixed than every other black person. I mean I didn't leave, because you guys know how I am about a free meal. But trust and believe as soon as I chewed my last bite I was peace.

Then there is the guy that everytime I see him, he asks for my number. I am soo disinterested from his looks, his height, the fact he actually says shit like "come here. come here. come here."
Really we are not 8. You are grown if your ass wants my number at least get your lazy ass up an walk the 8 paces to ask me. Then he always wants a hug, to which I respond "nah I have personal space issues." Last time he asked for my number (mind you he asked me from a table away cause getting up to collect was apparantly too much effort) I told him "NO" like all other times. Do you know this fool had the nerve to ask me why.
"Because I am completely uninterested. I have no desire to give you my number and get to know you."

Sometimes you just gotta be honest. "No" was not working.

Off Topic - Best and Worst Primetime Sex Scene

Okay so I have several shows I like, but only ONE that has turned me into a utter and complete addict. TRUE BLOOD, an HBO series about Vampires in Louisiana, comes on Sunday nights at 9pm. TRUE BLOOD is based on The Southern Vampire Series by Charlaine Harris. (I must say now that's its a show I refuse to read the books because I don't want to know what's going to happen, but I do find myself sneaking peaks at reviews. Knowing me I'll break down and read them though.) Now technically because it is on cable I don't know that it counts as prime-time, but this is my blog so I say it does.

**THIS COMMENTARY CONTAINS SPOILERS**
Two weeks ago I watched an episode with the nastiest sex scene ever. Sookie - a 26 year old waitress with the ability to hear others thoughts, goes to Bill's grave, her 150+ yr old vampire boyfriend who devirgined her the previous week, to mourn him. Some locals set fire to a vampire house where he was staying. She caught wind of it and left him several voicemails but he didn't answer his phone. Four bodies were found one to be assumed Bill. (The bodies were liquefied, but there were four vampires staying there including Bill). She mourns him that night by laying flowers on his grave (his original grave from when he was assumed dead back during the civil war). As she turns to leave, a hand shoots up from the ground, grabbing her ankle. She scrambles to get away, the hand holding her is too tight and she falls to the ground, providing leverage for the being below. She begins to crawl away. More of the underground body is revealed.
"Sookie" the southern drawl cries.
It was Bill covered in dirt. He was a different complexion he was so dirty. Dirty and very very NAKED. They kiss. Right there and the mud covered cemetery ground they go at it. Now it's HBO so they show him looking down, shifting his hips, and that grunt of first penetration.

I turned my head. That was just damn nasty. His dirt covered dick inserting her.(And yes I know it's not real). I thought man, they had better write a yeast infection into next weeks script.

So that got me to thinking about the BEST sex scene on prime time television. I didn't have to think long. There is an undisputed champion in my mind that no show's sex scene has even come close to knocking them off their pedestal. I remember all the commotion around it. Fans of the show talked about the next day and the first thing they said "Man did you see that sex scene?"
Well let me not keep you waiting. The show (and one of my top five all time favorite shows) BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER. Yeah I know you guys must be thinking I have a thing for vampires. What can I say, I love my fanged creatures on the big and small screen.

Since Buffy is off the air, I feel any summarizing is fair game and not in the least bit considered a spoiler. And it has been several years since its been off the air so my memory may be lacking or mixing up a few details, but here goes.
Spike is a vampire, a bad guy. He was kidnapped by this secret government sect and implanted with a chip so that anytime he went to hurt/kill a human it would go off causing him excruciating pain. However for some reason the chip didn't go off on Buffy. (We think it has something to do with her coming back from the dead...again). Buffy didn't know this. He faked it to use at an opportune time. Buffy, the vampire slayer, and Spike were in an alley. I believe arguing. (Keep in mind Spike is no longer a bad guy, at least by action, because he cannot hurt anyone). She hits him, knocks him down. He retaliates and hits her across the alley into a wall. (Side note - they both have superhuman strength). They go at it fighting, until one of them knocks the other so hard they go hauling through this abandoned building. Now it's on. They are kicking each others ass. The building is falling around them (not collapsing, they are throwing each other through walls, knocking them into bricks so some of them fall). Then they turn ready to go back. I don't know whose turn it is but they stop. And for one long electrifying moment they just stare at each other. All the anger, passion, and energy of the moment is still there, ready to be released. Who makes the first move, I can't remember. But they are kissing. You hear the unbuckling of pants, the zipping of zippers, Buffy is lifted up and raised down. A moan escapes her. The fall some more (literally). The still manage to tear up more of the building, but this time not because of fighting, but well...fucking. The grunts, the groans, the lifting up and down, the flexing of hips. It was all pretty graphic even with them being fully clothed. After it's all over she grabs her clothes (or something) tries to make a move for it and leave. He grabs her by the wrist (can't remember what he said), lifted her up and the came down with a moan. I thought "Damn this shit is graphic for regular TV." But it was still hot as hell.

So those are my two best and worst I started to do it for books, but with me being a writer and all I just didn't have the spirit (or balls) to do it.

So what is your best and worst sex scene on TV?

*As you can tell I'm stalling on my own internal analysis "Denile is more than a river in Egypt."
Have no fear folks, it is coming.*

Your Nipples Must Be Hard - Another One Strikes the Dust

It is a special talent I have to attract men to be so bold and disrespectful. And so here is another snippit of A Day in the Life of KD King.

I have chatted, emailed, and talked to this guy. We will call him Byron (Heck that's his real name. You act like an ass, you get called out). He lives a couple of hours away. So we're talking long distance. However he says his work brings him to Atlanta often. Let me talk about the good points, he started his own non-profit foundation working with the youth (talk about big brownie points, it so important to be about something bigger than yourself), he has no kids (we ALL know how I feel about that), he is over 6 feet (yup nothing but good things), and for the most part he seemed like a cool guy. Again only talked and chatted have yet to meet.

The phone rings
"Hey Sweetie"
Who the hell is this?"Hello, may I ask who is calling" In my standard professional phone voice (not 1-900 professional, but I need a job interview professional)

Look y'all talking to someone on the phone doesn't make me sweetie and it had been a few weeks since I talked to him. Heck I had already cancelled him out in my mind.

We got the pleasantries out the way (ie who the hell was this calling me). After I realized who it was I asked could I call him back. I was at work.
"Yeah, but be sure to call me back. I'll be in town this weekend and I want cuddle up with you." Now let me clarify that I couldn't tell if he said get up with you or cuddle up with you. I shook it off figuring I definitely read too many nasty novels and realized he said get up with you. (He's born and bred southern boy, all the words I don't always understand) I told him I would call him back.
In actuality, it was a bad weekend. I was busy all weekend. I called him back during lunch, he didn't answer I left a nice polite voicemail.

Monday morning rolls around. I'm cruising in my car lamenting on how I'm never freaking on time, adjusting the heat because its 45 freaking degrees outside (yes I know I'm from Chicago, but cold is cold), my cell phone rings. Its Byron.
We chatted, generic pleasantries. (I know its hard to believe for those who know me, but I'm really not talkative in the mornings. Im just not a morning person). He told me he didn't make it to Atlanta. He wanted to come down but of course he needed to check with me cause he wanted to visit me. We chat some more mundane topics - price of gas, weather.
"It's flipping cold here. I'm freezing. It's 45 degrees outside."
"Your nipples must nice be hard."
What!? "Well you have a nice day, Good-bye."
"What? Well damn good-bye"
Click

Potential Date #4567 - cancelled. Same story different guy. Conclusion - It really IS me.

See next posting "De Nile is more than a river in Egypt..."