Finding and keeping a life partner

So as in the world of email we tend to get forwards a thousand times over. Here is one dealing with relationships that a married co-worker sent to me with her insight on it. I thought it was cool so I am posting it here, as it seems pretty appropriate. (I mean this is a dating/relationship, or lack thereof, blog).



A relationship coach lays out his 5 golden rules for evaluating the prospects of long-term marital success. When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50 percent, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr. /Ms. Right.

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll say: "We're in love." I believe this is the 1 mistake people make when dating. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love. Though this may sound politically incorrect, but there's a profound truth here.

Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the othe r ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone. You need a lot more. Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION 1: Do we share a common life purpose?

* Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: hopefully you are anticipating to be married for 20 or 30+ years, that is a long time to live with someone.
* What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? Well that will get you through the first month. And you will definitely need to share something deeper and more meaningful to get thorough the next 30+ years; you need a common life purpose.

Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you can grow apart. 50 percent of the people are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life, and to marry someone who wants similar goals.

QUESTION 2: Do I feel safe/free expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?
This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. Ask yourself?

* Am I willing to allow my partner to equally express him/herself with the same exceptions you desire; honest, open, without fear of rejection, judgments or retaliation?
* Can I have conversations without belittling their thoughts and expressions, and they yours.
* Do you and your potential partner understand the difference between listening and hearing?

The basics of having good communication is trust -i.e. trust that I won't get "punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. One trait of an abusive person is someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings with. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel and can be emotionally safe with and for the person you plan to marry.

There are two key factors within marriage that you can't live without these are Communication, and trust. I know you though I was going to say Love, but love grows and develops, without communication or trust nothing can grow but resentment and bitterness.

QUESTION 3: Does he/she show self centered or materialistic tendencies?
How can you examine this? Here are some suggestions.

* What do they do with their time?
* Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement they have a preoccupation with or stress upon the material (giving/having real importance to the physical or worldly) rather than intellectual or spiritual things.

In conjunction

* Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis?
* Are they serious about improving themselves?
* Or how will they advance or have or posses a major obsession

A good person has been defined as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing." So consider the goals and aspirations of your significant other:

There are essentially two types of people in the world: People who are dedicated to personal growth and people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION 4: How does he/she treat other people?
One of the most important things that make any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure. Marriage, like being parents, means self sacrifice. Ask yourself: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they self-absorbed and selfish? To measure this, think about the following:

* How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as a waiters, bus boy, taxi driver, etc.
* How do they treat parents and siblings?
* Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything, how do you think they will treat you who have not done nearly as much for them!
* Do they gossip and speak badly about others? Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves others. You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly will eventually treat you poorly as well.

FINDING AND KEEPING A LIFE PARTNER
QUESTION 5 : Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?
Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve" them after they're married. The best probability is that "You can expect someone to change after marriage...for the worse!" During the courtship period, everyone always puts their best foot forward. You will never go to a potential mate's home and see his underwear lying across the couch, the chair, or even on the floor. But, after you've said "I do", and without proper communication, you may find them anywhere. If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

Dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. For example, you should ask yourself if this person never changes can you marry them as they are? Falling in love is a great natural high, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself sleeping with a total stranger because you didn't do your homework.

There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of, or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention.

* Which ones lift and which ones lean?
* Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?
* Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?
* When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse?
* Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know, or appreciate you?

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

FINDING AND KEEPING A LIFE PARTNER
An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye." Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults isn't really that important. Once you decide to commit to someone, over time his or her flaws, vulnerabilities, pet peeves and differences will become more obvious. And by all means don't say you can l ive with one of those pet peeves just to get to the ring/bed, because once that day is over, that peeve will not only be there but will be magnified.

If you love your mate and want the relationship to grow and evolve, you've got to learn how to close one eye and not let every little thing bother you. You and your mate have many different expectations, emotional needs, values, dreams, weaknesses and strengths. You have two totally different backgrounds and upbringings. You are merging the instructions and teachings from two separate families. You are two unique individual children of God who have decided to share a life together.

Neither one of you is perfect,

o But, hopefully, are you perfect for each other?
o Do you bring out the best in each other?
o Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare, manipulate, and try to control one another?
o What do you bring to the relationship? And again, I say
o What do you bring to the relationship?
o Do you bring past relationships, hurt, mistrust, or pain?
o Have you resolved your past issues and are you ready to move forward? If you cannot give a definite yes to this question, stop, drop that ring—you are not ready!

You can't take someone to the altar to alter him or her. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay. If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a prayer life" you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Manipulation, control, jealousy, neediness and selfishness are not the ingredients of a thriving, healthy, loving and lasting relationship. Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.


FINDING AND KEEPING A LIFE PARTNER
WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG:
1. TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN
7. DAILY EXCHANGES (a meal, shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch, a note)
8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF& nbsp; COMMITMENT

And again I say

11 TRUST
12. COMMUNICATION , COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION
if any of these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty and pain will replace the passion.